Saturday, May 13, 2006

They feel our pain, but aren't afraid

Cue Patriotic theme, vaguely reminiscent of TV News theme.

Enter, stage right (far right), Prime Minister Ivanovichicov. Walks downstage to podium. Backdrop of flags, flag-waving, weapon wielding true-believers in the foreground.

"Friends. Countryman. Rahhhsians."

"Today we embark on a dangerous and difficult undertaking. We have to secure the Motherland from dangerous adversaries. We face a new threat to our security. To our Prosperity. To our very way of life."

But I'm will not try to scare you. I will not try to play on your fears. You should not be afraid.

This new threat is dangerous. It is scary. It is worse than the terrorists in Chechnya. It is more terrifying than the possibility of Ukraine diversifying its energy suppliers. It has me up at night worried sick.

But we have nothing to fear. There is no cause for alarm.

This new threat, this dangerous foe we are facing. He is invading us every hour of every day. He comes with the most dangerous and un-Rahhhsian attitude of all. His weapons? A job application, and a willingness to do backbreaking labor for very low wages. The danger? He is willing to work longer and harder and for less than we Rahhhsians. And this is not acceptable!"

[Cheers from true-believers; rifle shots fired into the air]

These are the people who are trying to weaken Mother Rahhhsia. Trying to erode our way of life. Trying to take away our Vodka, and steal our caviar. If they want to work harder than we do; if they want to work for less money than we do, fine. But they should do it in their own countries so we can simply outsource the work. There has been to much of this "insourcing" of cheap, hard working, unregulated labor. That strikes at the very heart of the problem. We are Rahhhsians. Everything must be regulated!

[Louder cheers from true-believers; more rifle shots into the air]

And we will not be afraid.

Beginning today, the great and loving government of Mother Rahhhsia will provide every man, woman, or child who is willing to walk the border with a Rahhhsian-made Kalishnikov, 30 rounds, and a letter granting permission to use it, so long as the bullet lands across our border. It is time we send a clear and unmistakable message to these pesky Finns, troublesome Latvians, and derisive North Koreans, that they are no longer welcome to just saunter in here and steal jobs that, without their presence, would drive up our costs and erode our profits. That is simply un-Rahhhsian. And we aren't going to take it any more.

[Loudest cheering yet, attempts to fire rifles into the air; rifles clicking because they are out of ammo.]

[Prime Minister Ivanichicov, exit stage right.]

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