Friday, March 03, 2006

"They Hate Our Health"*

Osh Kosh, WISC—Addressing the annual meeting of the Association of American Towns that Used to Support Textiles (AATUST), Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona presented the Bush administration position on why more Americans need vaccinations.


“These diseases, they hate our health,” said Carmona. 


“Just like we have to take off our shoes and belts at airports, and we need to become comfortable with the idea of our phone conversations being listened to by the good people at Langley, we need to start coming to grips with the degree to which the world hates our way of life.”


The speech, presented before a hand-picked audience of xenophobic former textile-town elected officials, was recorded by the same subversives who founded the school “How to audiotape a supreme court justice against his will, while he’s talking about the first amendment.”


Carmona continued, “It was one thing when just liberals hated America.  Many of us in the administration grew up with Joe McCarthy, and the besmirching of his good name taught us one thing: liberals hate it when America is strong.  But there is something more significantly wrong with the world right now than silly “constitutional protections” for liberals.  I mean, oppressed people around the world are protesting freedom.  Why?  The President has made this pretty clear: because they hate freedom.  Real Americans have these freedoms, and oppressed people hate freedom.  That’s why they haven’t risen up and taken it for themselves.”


Expanding into an entirely new area, later in the speech, Carmona said, “The hate directed at Americans has reached new heights.  The chief of the eco-terrorists, known variously as “Gaia,” “Mother Earth,” or simply “Earth,” has bioengineered numerous new diseases in a terroristic methodology known as “evolution” to target healthy, industrious, freedom (fry) loving Americans.  Why?  It’s so insidious as to be nearly unbelievable.  First we’re hated because we’re rich.  Then we’re hated because we have better movies.  In the early 90s it became clear that we were hated because our basketball teams were just eons ahead of the rest of the world. Most recently, people hate us because we’re free.  But now.  Now.  Now, we are hated because we are healthy.  And that puppet-master behind the disease puppets she controls, “Mother Earth” wants Americans to be sick.  These diseases, they hate our health.”


At the end of the speech, Carmona was reported to have asked if Osh Kosh was close enough to Canada that he could cross the border and buy some much-needed prescription medication at discount prices, according to unnamed sources.



*The preceding story isn’t real.  It hasn’t even been published in “America’s Finest News Source” the Onion.  It’s a joke.  Have a great weekend!

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