Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Post isn't doing it, but why can't I?

The Washington Post seems to be afraid to do it, but I'm not. Signs in today's paper point to one thing, and one thing only:
The Sky is Falling

You might think I'm being an extremesit, or a pessimist, or worse, a doom-sayer, but this time I'm right. I have to be.

There's been talk of a budding inflationary tendencies in the economy for a while, and some loud-mouths have talked of the dangerous balancing act going on between Washington and Beijing, and the Bush-Hu-Greenspan triangle. But today, there are undeniable signs of danger for us, our economy, and even our way of life!

Wholesale prices have SKYROCKETED. Up 1.9% in September. Energy supposedly is causing the brunt of this, with energy prices having risen by 7.1%

BUT that's not the real reason.

It comes down to something far more fundamental, significant, and even vital to our way of life and the American dream:

EGGS!

The same article tells us that the price of "eggs for fresh use" Hurtled ahead, Millenium Falcon style, jumping 49% last month! This could be catastrophic for the near-term jobs and nutrition picture.

Eggs are in EVERYTHING. They're in bread, cake, and cookies..to name the staples. But they're also in other important dietary items: egg-fried rice; breakfast burritos; delicious bisquickified goodness; they're a tasty frill to good hamburgers.

Eggs are important for things besides eating: cosmetics; plaster; writing bibles by hand.

Go 'head. Try and imagine your life where each of these activities costs 50% more! That means if you were a young family of three just scraping by, and you wanted to take your whole family out for a delicious breakfast at Denny's, you'd have to be creative: no pancakes, waffles, or toast of any kind. Quiches, omlettes, souffles? Not this time. You could get a "Bacon, Sausage, Egg, and Toast" breakfast, without the egg or the toast, but how tasty would that be?

Time for Action

I don't know about you, but something this fundamentally dangerous to the American way of life calls for immediate action.

There are three simple steps that must be taken immediately to ensure America makes it through this penny-pinching, economic crisis:

  1. Repeal that pesky death-tax, where the government takes money out of your pocket, and stops you from buying eggs for your family.
  2. End corporate FICA (Social Security) taxes, because if you want to retire, you'll be smart enough to invest your own money. No sense hurting corporate profits right now for some silly boondoggle for the lazy that Democrats call "retirement". We need Eggs, dammit!
  3. Invade China. We must secure a stable, long-term source of eggs to maintain our economic, egg-based hegemony. China's production of eggs nearly trebled in the decade between 1990 and 2000. They are probably using their wiles to manipulate the egg-market and force average Americans to suffer through a period of egg-shortage.
Please join with me in calling on our elected representatives, and our President to take these bold but necessary actions before an entire generation of Americans grows up on egg-substitutes!

3 comments:

NTAC said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NTAC said...

Just like hurricanes and senseless wars drive up the price on oil, I think we have just seen the first tragic economic impact of the bird flu. And the effects are going to be staggering.

I'm just waiting for the day that the price of fresh poultry, chicken noodle soup, eggnog, and feather boas - to name a few - increase. It's probably best that everyone try to stock-up for the run on bird-products.

alektra said...

Whatever you're smoking, can you send some up here? Oh, and if you're not busy, can you come up next week? Cos, like, I need a keeper.